The Sakaki Theory
by Miz-KTakase
Summary: A very weird, nonsensical, and very HIGH-Larious fiction. The story gets its Azumanga on with some of its own trivial moments. The entire Daioh girls discuss aliens. as they talk, nearly jumping to conclusions, bizarre things happen to the their friends and teachers. Rated M for violence, pretty foul language, and a Sakaki/Kaorin moment you'll never forget. Enjoy!


**_"The Sakaki Theory"_**

It started at a normal day in a weekend home of Chiyo-Chan's. Osaka all of a sudden said something that made the girls surprised.

"Aliens." She said.

"What do you know about aliens?" Kagura asked.

Sakaki got up as Osaka was about to say something. She left the room.

"You know, I heard about a story that this guy once talked about, and he said that he knew this guy who saw an alien once."

"What happened to him, Miss Osaka?" Chiyo-Chan asked.

"He got hauled away in a spaceship… or so we thought."

Tomo & Kagura started to burst out laughing.

"All right," Yomi said in annoyance, "When did you become such a weirdo in words like that?"

"I heard it from a classmate, who knew this girl, who knew this girl, who knew this guy, who knew this girl, who knew this guy's cousin from back in Osaka."

"Forget I ask," Yomi said, "In anyway, you knew too much by watching the movies."

"Or for that matter," Tomo added, "It came from her fragile little mind. I've heard of people who talk smack about UFOs or ETs."

"ETs?" Kagura said in confusion.

"Extra Terrestrials," Tomo replied, "Like that movie we once saw."

"That's a completely different story," Yomi said, "But, you make some startling theories."

"What _would_ happen, Yomi? What _would_ happen if our country gets hauled into conspiracies like such Alien-type maneuvers?"

Osaka then added, "Well, there were cows and bunny rabbits being mutilated one by one; and there were those rumors that Daylights Savings Time ends in November, and even those crop circles you see in those fields from a birds-eye view!"

Tomo shrieked, "AHH! I don't want that!"

"That's ridiculous!" Yomi shouted.

"Those poor bunnies!" Chiyo-Chan cried.

"Hey, Osaka. Tell me more about this theory of yours," Kagura demanded.

"OH! ME TOO!" Tomo shouted as she raised her hand.

"Okay. There were others theories about aliens. For example, when they say _'Take me to your leader'_, I wonder if they mean Japan's Emperor." Osaka rambled.

"I know!" Kagura answered, "I always thought those were in those sci-fi movies."

"Now that you mention it, sometimes they can be nice, like E.T." Tomo added, "Let's face it. There are _good_ aliens, and then there are _bad_ aliens, and then there are the _cute_ ones…"

"Hey, shouldn't we mention this to Miss Sakaki?" Chiyo-Chan asked.

"We should, but I think she went to the bathroom," Osaka added.

"Or maybe…" Kagura said in fear, "She was _abducted_ by aliens!"

"WHAT?" All, but Yomi, screamed.

Yomi muttered under her breath, "You guys don't know the first thing about aliens."

Meanwhile, right beside Miss Yukari's house, 13 rabbits started to hop around the Yukari-Mobile. One of the bunnies was big and has a long black braid on the back of her head. It was Sakaki; she followed her white bunnies around the car and pulled out a carrot.

Hours later, Sakaki dropped the carrot and left with her bunnies. The carrot was placed by the place the rear tire of Yukari's car. Just then, Yukari looked out the window, very groggy, and saw those rabbits hopping away, with the big one, Sakaki, walking with them. Yukari headed downstairs and chased after the rabbits, but stopped by the doorway of her house.

"What the hell was that?" She said.

She rushed over to the car and picked up the carrot.

"Were those… _BUNNY RABBITS_?" She thought.

As Sakaki took off her bunny costume, she is visited by Kaorin.

"Miss Sakaki," she said, "What a pleasant surprise. Would you like to come with me? I got something I should show you and I want your honest opinion."

Sakaki said nothing. She just walked away from Kaorin. Kaorin grabbed her arm and dragged her along the way, in much joy.

"Please, Miss Sakaki! Come on!" She cried, "This is _very_ important!"

Kaorin sniffed somewhere and said to her, "Miss Sakaki, do you smell carrots?"

As the argument continues, Chiyo-Chan found a marker by the table.

"Hey, guys," Chiyo-Chan asked, "Somebody dropped this."

"A marker?" Yomi gasped.

"What color is it?" Osaka asked.

Kagura grabbed it and started to draw on a sheet of paper, but very poorly.

"OH! It's silver!" They all said in shock and awe.

"But who would leave such a rare item like this?" Chiyo-Chan thought.

"It must be yours; _you're _rich! And you had to buy _lots_ of shiny markers!" Tomo shouted smugly.

"But, Tomo," Chiyo-Chan replied, "This _isn't_ mine."

They all were shocked.

"NO WAY!" Yomi cried.

"A rare silver marker and we don't know whose it is?" Kagura shouted.

"It gotta be the aliens!" Osaka cried.

"NO! It isn't!" Chiyo-Chan cried.

She placed the marker on the table and pondered with the girls. Chiyo-Chan's hunch is that someone must've own this when they came in the room.

"We know it's not Sakaki," Kagura said, "She suck at drawing."

"My guess it must be Yomi's," Tomo remarked.

"Why would I own a felt-tipped permanent marker with the color silver," Yomi asked.

"Tomo, stop jumping to conclusions and live to tell us about," Kagura snapped.

Tomo sneered at her and said, "That's a very rude remark, Kagura. Maybe it's what you learned from your home planet!"

"What the hell are you talking about, you idiot?" Kagura shouted.

"Oh, I've known much about the alien thing, Kagura. I have the huge knowledge about some aliens."

Yomi interrupted and said to Tomo, "Okay, enough with the damn alien theory!"

"As a matter of fact, sometimes aliens get to control the host body of anybody. Haven't you ever heard of evil aliens?"

"What do you mean, Tomo?" Chiyo-Chan asked.

Osaka then said, "Just because there were good aliens, there are also the bad aliens. They say they can own the body of a person and take control of their minds."

"From what I hear," Tomo added, "These rented bodies sometimes tried to cheat their way as smart people; and even those who tried to do the worse thing imaginable: WORLD DOMINATION!"

Chiyo-Chan covered her ears and hid behind the table in fear.

"You suck, you know that?" Kagura said, "But how much you know about it? Unless…"

She started to point at Tomo and cried, "_You_ must be the alien!"

"Excuse me?" Tomo shouted.

"You must've come here from the planet Venus to take us all!"

"That's bull-crap, and you know it!" Tomo yelled.

"I have had enough of this," Yomi shouted, "It's bad enough you talk like geeks, but you're starting to act like morons! What makes you think you were aliens?"

Kagura stated about Tomo, "Tomo may be a straight-at-heart dunderhead, but she has impeccable speed. And if I know Tomo, her brain cells are weak."

"Weak, huh?" Tomo said, which she now stated about Kagura, "Explain why you are so athletic; you couldn't even bested Sakaki at _anything_! And yet, you still manage to become more athletic, you also have to become a very sexy woman."

"Dunderhead is right," Yomi quietly whispered.

"_You're_ the resident Wildcat High School girl; can't you say anything about yourself in your defense?"

"Well, I can be smart & poetic sometimes, but I act brave in the face of adversity!"

"Very funny."

Tomo & Kagura grabbed each other at start to fight.

"Would you two calm down?" Chiyo-Chan cried, "This whole thing is getting scary!"

"Chiyo-Chan," Osaka waved to her, "How come you're so smart?"

"Huh?"

Meanwhile, Sakaki entered Kaorin's room, as she looked at what Kaorin has done to her room. Her room was all clean, but with a soft couch in the middle of the floor. She offered Sakaki a seat and she bowed and smiled in a confirmed manner. However, she was in a confused manner.

"Miss Sakaki, I am so glad you came," Kaorin smiled and said, "We can chat for a while about what happened at school."

Sakaki said nothing, but gave a nod. Kaorin then showed her a scrapbook about Sakaki. She even made pictures of her from P.E. & the Sports Festival. Sakaki started to blush when she saw a picture of her with a cute red robin on it. Kaorin then closed the book and said nervously, "Miss Sakaki, I, uh, if it is okay with you, uh…"

She started to ball up her fists, trying to say some courage; as Sakaki watched on, she grabbed Kaorin by the arms and started to kiss her. Kaorin stopped and turned red.

"M-m-m-m-miss Sakaki!" Kaorin shrieked in fright, "What was that for?"

Sakaki said nothing.

"You can tell me!" She continued, "I was about to say something about you… but…"

Just then, she looked into Sakaki's eyes and was hypnotized by her blue eyes. Kaorin approached Sakaki with her cheeks flushed, and their lips began to touch. As they kissed, someone from outside the window was watching on, with his hair pointed up, and tears in his eyes. Who was it?

Back in Chiyo-Chan's Weekend home, Tomo & Kagura stopped fighting as they looked at Yomi.

"What are you looking at?"

"I think maybe… just maybe…" Tomo remarked, "_Yomi_ could be it."

"You're right," Kagura added, "I guess we were wrong about each other. We should've looked at the tapes clearly."

"You two…" Yomi growled.

Tomo nudged her elbows at Yomi, "So… do you have anything to say in _your _defense? Eh? EH?"

"Shut up… you dummy," Yomi grumbled.

"Explain it," Tomo continued, "All those punches, those words, those rude remarks, and even those weird diets you go on; they could be linked to a Planetary Exercise."

"Are you saying I'm one of _them_?" Yomi shouted furiously, "Why don't you harass Osaka? She brought up that god-damn theory!"

"Come on, Yom-ster! You cannot fool me… "_Grain Diet? Leaf Diet? Salt Diet?_ Please… You happen to learn _those_ from Pluto, Saturn, or Mars, which is where you are from!"

Yomi stood up and launched a savage uppercut at Tomo, sending her flying. She collided to the ceiling and fell to the floor. Yomi huffed and puffed and yelled at Tomo, "You two are damned idiots!"

"Miss Osaka," Chiyo-Chan said in nervousness, "Why are you staring at me like that?"

Osaka said nothing; she stared at her in a blank look. Tomo was out cold as Kagura pointed at Yomi.

"Hey, Yomi," she said, "I know what she said could be true, but you could be one of them, unless you have a theory."

"Well…" Yomi said, "I have been losing weight."

"REALLY?" She shouted, "How did you do?"

Yomi mutters, "5 ounces…"

"5 ounces?" Tomo said weakly.

Yomi sat back down in embarrassment. Tomo got up gingerly and said that Yomi's clean, but she's not off the hook.

"Oh, go soak your fat head, Tomo!" Yomi said.

Meanwhile, Yukari looked at her car and was shocked. The car was vandalized by those bunnies! The car was more dented than ever and it had carrot-colored graffiti all around it saying, "_Yukari-F-O_" in the side of her car.

"Those bunnies did it?" She shouted.

Yukari started to throw a fit. She kicked her car many times, smacked her head by the car window, and started to scream unintelligible words. The noise was so loud, that a young girl, who witnessed the whole thing, went to her phone, calling the police.

As Kaorin & Sakaki continued on, they heard a loud knock on her door. Kaorin was shocked; she pushed Sakaki up from the couch. She knew that it might be her mother, but it wasn't.

"Kaorin! It's me!" Called a male voice, which was familiar.

"Oh, no," Kaorin trembled, "Not… him."

The door burst open revealing to be Mr. Kimura, who was in tears.

"Why did you leave your Kimurin behind, Kaorin?" He shouted.

"What are you talking about? We have nothing in common!"

"I saw you… with her!"

"I understand… but it's just admiration! I would never abandon you like that, Mr. Kimura. I was only-. WHAT AM I SAYING? YOU'RE A CREEP!"

Kimura pulled up a gun, which is a tazer gun. He pointed it at Sakaki and screamed with tears rolling down.

"NO! DON'T SHOOT HER!"

"I must! This girl is nothing but a cheap floozy! I must do away with her and we'll be together forever as Kaorin & Kimurin!"

"You're lying! And _that's_ not even a real gun!"

Sakaki just watched on, seeing both a student and teacher argue. She grew worried about Kaorin, she started to shake.

Meanwhile, at the weekend home…

"It's gotta be Osaka," Kagura stated, "This bull-crap started when she presented her wild theories."

Tomo held up the silver marker and added, "And I'll bet this doubles as an alien device."

"You mean an _Anal Probe_?" Kagura said.

"Quite right," Tomo said, as she called Osaka.

"What is it?" she asked.

Tomo asked, "How _did_ you know so much about aliens?"

"Back in Osaka, we've been talking about weird stuff on a regular basis. You see, this guy once told me about the remarks about a pop singer being abducted, another told me about how the local doctor was killed and turned into dust, while the young school teacher was arrested for her bizarre behavior."

"Son of a…" Tomo said.

Kagura said, "Yomi's right. You're_ not_ the alien."

Yomi yelled, "I NEVER SAID SHE WAS A GOD-DAMN ALIEN!"

Tomo looked at Kagura and said in a smug manner, "Well, it pretty much rounds out the possible people. But then there's still Chihiro, Nyamo, and even Sakaki."

"What about Mr. Kimura?" Kagura asked.

Everyone looked on, said nothing, and was stunned.

"Yeah right!" Tomo laughed, "Like hell he's a visitor! Not that you know it out of left field."

"Who asked you? I was curious!" Kagura shouted, "Even you said 'Coach' may be an alien, too… which she is _not_!"

"Funny… I thought Yukari would be one, but I guess you'd choose Kimura over the others."

"Who asked you?"

"Who asked _you_?"

"You want a piece of me, you Wildcat bitch?"

"Just try me, you Swim Club bitch!"

Tomo & Kagura glared at each other with a growl.

"Would you to stop fighting?" Yomi confided, "You're making a scene in front of Chiyo-Chan!"

Tomo glared at Yomi, "OH? Are you taking that Swim Club Bitch's side? I'll bet that what you were programmed for from your home planet!"

"Care to explain why?" Yomi asked.

"Oh, I can tell by you; always a smart one, always a sexy one, and always the fat one! You keep that identity disclosed so you can hide you REAL form, you alien android!"

Yomi staggered and yelled at her, "ENOUGH WITH YOUR MIND GAMES!"

Osaka then paused and said, "Uh… is there an end result to this? Because the aliens I heard of turned out to be little green men; and it is kind of funny though. Don't you think these UFOs have anything to with their skin color?"

They all looked at Osaka, but then continued to argue. Chiyo-Chan looked on seeing all of her friends, except Osaka, griping and pointing fingers at each other.

"I love you, Kimurin!" Kimura sang out loud.

His finger was placed on the trigger of the tazer, and he hesitantly pulled it. The gun launched 2 wires out and headed towards Sakaki. However, Kaorin screamed and lunged herself at Sakaki, causing the wires to hit Kaorin's chest instead. She started to get electrocuted. Sakaki & Kimura looked on in shock. Kaorin collapsed to the floor, in pain.

"NO! MY KAORIN!" Kimura cried.

He pointed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger. However, he forgot it was just a tazer gun. As he pulled the trigger, nothing happened.

"Out of juice? Boy, when things go DING-DONG!"

Sakaki approached Kimura and slapped him softly. She slapped him 4 times, he suddenly forgot what happened. He then looked at Kaorin on the floor, twitching around.

"Oh, is she okay?" Kimura said in a calm manner.

Sakaki nodded and showed him to the door.

"Okay, I should be going. My wife promised me a special dinner for me," Kimura said, "She hopes I won't be late this time."

Kimura left as Sakaki looked at an unconscious Kaorin. She closed Kaorin's eyes and gave her a kiss. She even placed her hand on Kaorin's forehead and started to speak in tongue.

Later, at Chiyo-Chan's weekend home, the girls continued to argue, but Chiyo-Chan started to grow angry.

"EVERYBODY STOP!" She hollered.

"WHOA! What lungs!" Kagura shouted.

"Chiyo-Chan…" Osaka said.

Chiyo-Chan then scolded at the others, "Please you guys, stop fighting and let's worry about this in a future date. Sure, we may know much about UFOs, but _that's_ all a conspiracy; Tomo & Miss Kagura are always energetic, Osaka is sometimes knowledgeable, and Miss Yomi-."

"Oh, ho! No way, I'll believe _that_!" Yomi shouted, referring to Osaka.

"She's right," Tomo said, "We have been mouthing off a lot, and what does it get us? A lot of BS about aliens and UFOs!"

"That's true, but sometimes we can say some dumb remarks," Kagura added.

"But now that we settled this matter between us…" Yomi said, and then she looked at Chiyo-Chan.

"What about _you_, Chiyo-Chan?"

Yomi glared at her; Tomo & Osaka were surprised.

"What is it, Miss Yomi?"

Tomo butted in and said, "The smart ones are always the weird ones."

Osaka added, "I knew it. Chiyo-Chan could be linked with the visitors."

The others all glared at Chiyo-Chan. Chiyo-Chan then says in much fear, "Wait! Are you saying that I'm…?"

Kagura sneered and said in a quiet mannerism, "Get her."

Chiyo-Chan screamed and ran down the hallway with the others chasing her.

"Wait! I'm not an alien! Though, I am glad you settled your differences, do you have to take it out on me?"

"Go back to your planet, pigtails!" Kagura shouted.

The girls chased Chiyo-Chan outside and around the house all through the night.

Chiyo-Chan let out a scream, "WHERE'S MISS SAKAKI WHEN YOU NEED HER?"

Meanwhile, Sakaki comforted a sleeping Kaorin. She started to moan a bit; and she placed her in bed. However, she stepped out of the bedroom and said, "This is too weird."

She held out her hand and said in a robotic voice, _"Message to mother ship: Mission complete. Have prevented death of one Earthling, Kaorin; no minimal damage added; very much trust in her; she has an experience like we've never seen before; returning to mother ship immediately."_

A beam launched at Sakaki; the beam hit her and she collapsed to the floor unconscious.

Minutes later, she woke up and found herself in Kaorin's house. She looked around and found Kaorin in bed.

"What am I doing here?" She thought, and then sniffed herself, "And why do I smell like carrots?"

Later at Yukari's home, the police came and found Yukari in a temper-tantrum. They grabbed her and said that it'll be all right. However, they saw a carrot in her hand and viewed the vandalized Yukari-Mobile; they asked her why she did this.

Yukari blurted out, "There were bunny rabbits! This was my car! I had to see for myself! One of them was a BIG bunny rabbit! And when I saw my car vandalized with this carrot, I knew it was them!"

The officer asked, "Can you describe these '_bunny rabbits_', ma'am?"

"They were white! Damn it, they ruined my car!" Yukari shouted.

"Uh, ma'am, is there any truth to this story?"

"But…"

Two of the officers grabbed her by the arms. While the leading officer said, "Lady, that's a whole mess of bull-crap I can hear you say out of the back of your mouth. We had a call saying _you _damaged your own car with a carrot."

"But, it was like that when I got here!"

"A likely story," The officer said, as he ordered the other two policemen to take her away.

Yukari shouted at the top of her lungs, "I DID NOT DO IT! IT WAS THE BUNNY RABBITS WHO DID IT! THE BUNNY RABBITS!"

"She crazy, boys," The officer said, "Better take her in."

Yukari kept screaming all through the night, as the police dragged her to their car.

The next day at school, everyone was at homeroom waiting for Miss Yukari to come. But…

"I hear we're getting a substitute teacher today," one of the students said.

"Really?" The other said.

Meanwhile, Sakaki was by her seat, as usual, with a headache. She still had an awful experience from last night, if she'd remembered what happened; but she wasn't the only one. Over on Chiyo-Chan's seat, she started to grow afraid of what Tomo, Yomi, & Kagura might do to her after school; and knowing Osaka, she'll do _nothing_. She still held that silver marker she had and decided to ask Sakaki about it later… if the others don't get to her first.

"That's the _last_ time I invite my friends to my weekend home again," Chiyo-Chan thought in sadness.

The whole thing lasted 3 weeks… until it subsided. And everyone forgot about it.


End file.
